ramble.

unexplainable feelings of confusion and clutter fill my mind. its not necissarily the fact that im doubtful or that im putting less and less energy into this faith that i live my life by. i do NOT think that my God owes me anything. he doesn't, he's already given me a gift that i cannot repay him for. hes already given me everything he had. he gave it to me so i could live a life of joy and a life in constant relation with him. so why does this clutter still hinder me from the life that he wants from me. why is it that i cant focus on something that brings joy to him and not myself. more than anything i want to go through a day without one moment of darkness. it gets old and tedious going through everyday of your life waiting to be happy when your happiness is waiting around the corner for you. but im human, a selfish human. i am impatiet to the things that god wants from my life. i am impatient for God's healing, always trying to heal myself. how ridiculous that sounds. no one but God can heal the heart, but here i am trying my own small ways to fix this void i carry in my heart. its always so much easier to trust yourself than it is to trust this God that you cant see. so why is it that we claim to belong to a God that we cant seem to trust with our smallest of issues. a lot of the time i notice that i want a quick fix. i want something to take away whatever it is bothering me and i want it gone fast. im not in for the long painful healing that is required for a clean heart. God wants a clean heart. He wants a heart centered and focused on him not of the world. definately not a heart focused on quick fixes. this spiritual battle is hard, never will get easier but after a weekend of white water rafting in 30 degree weather and a small amount of snow a realization hit me like a smack in the face. my strength could have never got me through that four hour trip of rapids. the five other people in that boat using their strength with mine is what got us to the end of the rapids. i am easily worn. i get tired easily and i seem to be easy to throw in the towel at the end of a loosing match. after ive given up i throw myself further down eventually to the point where it seems to hard to climb all the way back up. my strength is weary from three years relying on it and it alone. im sick and tired of the devil picking on me. im tired of him thinking he can have his way with me. he has won to many of these battles in my life and im getting tired of it. so in ths spiritual battle im pulling out another weapon. the word. finally. maybe now he'll let me be. or maybe he wont. maybe it'll get harder, now im fighting back with everything i have. with all the strength my father has. he's gonna come at me hard, but i think im ready for it. bring it on devil. my father can take you this time.